Are You in Your Window of Tolerance?
When you are in your window of tolerance, things feel just right. You might feel:
Able to cope and handle challenges
Calm but not tired. You’re alert but not anxious.
Able to make decisions.
Safe and secure
Able to respond instead of react
A sense of trust in yourself and your abilities
What this might look like in postpartum and parenthood:
Being able to fall asleep and stay asleep
Not having anxiety about if your baby stops breathing in their sleep
Feeling sure of yourself as a parent
Feeling capable of coping through any distress when your baby is crying or fussy
Being able to pause and reflect before meeting your baby’s needs, rather than reacting in frustration or overwhelm
Not feeling impacted by other people’s opinions and judgments.
When your nervous system is leaving your window of tolerance, and you are experiencing dysregulation on the way to hyperarousal, you may:
Begin to feel agitated.
You may feel anxious, revved up, or angry.
You don’t feel out of control, but you also don’t feel comfortable.
What this might look like in postpartum and parenthood:
You are starting to notice some negative feelings towards your spouse/partner.
It is taking you longer to fall asleep between night feedings.
You begin to worry about “what if something bad happens…”
When your nervous system is in hyperarousal, you might:
Feel agitated, restless, fidgety, or angry
Have sweaty palms, racing heart, and tense muscles
Sense danger, uneasiness, discomfort, or a lack of safety
Have a racing mind, obsessive or repetitive thoughts.
Get easily overwhelmed or distressed.
Wound up, hard to relax or go to sleep
What this might look like in postpartum and parenthood:
You notice yourself snapping at your spouse/partner.
You feel like your body is more sore and tense than usual.
You are terrified your baby will stop breathing in their sleep, and so you check on them through the night.
You begin to have frequent intrusive thoughts about ways harm could come to your baby.
You get overwhelmed when your baby cries or fusses.
You have difficulty falling asleep, because your heart is racing or you feel restless.
When your nervous system is leaving your window of tolerance, and you are experiencing dysregulation on the way to hypoarousal:
You begin to feel like you are shutting down
You may feel a little spacey, lose track of time, or start to feel sluggish
You don’t feel out of control, but you also don’t feel comfortable.
What this might look like in postpartum and parenthood:
You shut down, emotionally and/or physically, when your baby cries or fusses.
You feel like you have low-energy, no matter how much sleep you get. (This is a tricky one to identify in postpartum!)
You start to feel ‘off’, and can’t pinpoint why.
When your nervous system is in hypoarousal:
You feel extremely zoned out and numb, both emotionally and physically.
Time can go missing, or you feel bored and spaced out.
You can feel sluggish, and have an inability to think clearly.
You might feel depressed, disconnected, unmotivated, and hopeless.
It might feel like you’re completely frozen, motionless, weak, powerless
It’s not something you choose - your body takes over.
What this might look like in postpartum and parenthood:
You stare at your baby and feel no emotion.
You lose track of large chunks of time.
You misplace things, can’t hold conversations, or have difficulty focusing.
You find yourself crying for, what feels like, no reason at all.
You freeze and don’t respond when your baby cries or fusses.
You feel unable to get out of bed or engage in daily hygiene, like showering.
If you got to the end of this post and are thinking there is something wrong with you because you are doing or feeling any of these things, guess what…
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Mamas and parents, especially first time ones, are frequently outside of their window of tolerance. Postpartum can be a beautiful time, AND it can be a very stressful - or even traumatic - time.
While this time is not forever, and you will find your way to the Window of Tolerance again, you do not have to go through this time alone…
You are not alone. You are not to blame. With help, you will be well.
Check out Postpartum Support International’s website for more resources and support!
