Parenting Without A Roadmap?

In my perinatal mental health training, one of the things I learned that stood out to me was the concept of the parenting roadmap…

…the means of knowing how to be a parent, feeling confident in your ability to raise a child, and feeling capable of meeting the emotional and physical needs of your child.

However, if we feel we are not given that roadmap, we can feel lost, alone, and overwhelmed in our experience as a parent, especially as a first-time parent. This can often be a domino effect, being passed on from generation to generation.

I believe that there is also a roadmap that children follow, when it comes to developing a healthy relationship with food and their bodies.

I think about the maternal line in my own family. My Grandma Elaine struggled with her weight for as long as I knew her. She and my grandpa lived a comfortable life, and there was never a shortage of food. Even though she was a nurse, there seemed to be a lack of knowledge about nutrition as well as lack of connection with her hunger/fullness cues. Food seemed like a way where she showed love, however, it came off as her pushing food onto you, even though you would say you were not hungry.

My mother’s relationship with food and body has also been a painful one. She has battled physical illnesses throughout her life, and she found a sense of control through dieting. I grew up seeing SlimFast drinks in my fridge and SnackWells in my cupboard. She lost a significant amount of weight on the South Beach Diet, and supported me in doing the diet, too.

It seemed like my mom found dieting as a way to connect with me; however, she soon turned it into a competition, and then later villainized me when my diet turned into an eating disorder. While my mother and I have a beautiful and healthy relationship now, it has been a LONG road. She has also found more healing around food and body, and she knows to not make any unhelpful comments about food and body around me and my kids.

Since I have become a parent, I have made an effort to break the generational cycles around food and body that has run in my family. Fortunately for me, my own eating disorder recovery; my education and training as a therapist; my experience working in eating disorder treatment; and the therapeutic skills I have gained has given me a North Star on this journey.

That being said, it has been tiring work to be the one to break the generational cycles and to create new ones, moving forward.

I truly believe my mother did the best she could, with the information and life experiences she had. I am grateful for all the work my mother has done in breaking these generational cycles, and there is a part of me who wishes she had done it sooner so that I didn’t have to.

And, it is still important for me to create a different experience for myself and my children, so that they can have a roadmap around navigating their relationships with food and body.

If this topic resonates with you, here are 7 Ways to Cope When You’re the One Breaking Cycles:

1. Acknowledge the grief and fatigue

It’s okay to feel the weight of doing this work. You can hold compassion for yourself and your parents simultaneously.

“I can both honor the work I’m doing and grieve the roadmap I didn’t have.”

2. Find your own “roadmap”

Seek out books, courses, therapy, or communities that align with the values you want to pass on. You’re allowed to gather the tools your parents didn’t have.

Examples: intuitive eating resources, parenting books on raising body-positive kids, therapy spaces that support food and body healing.

3. Practice self-compassion

You will not do this perfectly — and that’s okay. Healing generational cycles isn’t about getting it right 100% of the time; it’s about showing up differently more often than not.

A mantra could be: “I am doing enough. My awareness alone is already creating change.”

4. Set boundaries when needed

Sometimes, part of breaking cycles involves protecting your space and your children’s. It’s okay to lovingly redirect or shut down conversations about diets, bodies, or food judgments with family.

5. Reparent yourself alongside your children

As you teach your kids about food neutrality, body respect, and self-compassion, offer those same messages to your younger self. This is deeply healing work.

“I’m learning to give myself the permission and safety I want my kids to have.”

6. Lean on support

Being the “first” in your family to do this work can feel lonely. Surround yourself with people who get it — therapy, support groups, online communities, or even friends who are on a similar journey.

7. Celebrate the small wins

Every time you pause before commenting on your body, every time you allow dessert without guilt, every time you skip a diet conversation — that’s a step toward a different future for your kids