Setting Boundaries With Toxic People

If you are having a wanted pregnancy, it can be a joyous occasion - something you may have been waiting and longing for a very long time. 

Bringing a baby into the family can also be a source of stress, for a variety of reasons. 

One reason is that it may bring you back in contact with a toxic person in your life.

I know a person who finally felt more free of her abusive ex-husband, only to realize when her son’s family was going to have a baby that she will, once again, have to navigate birthdays and holidays with her abuser.

In other instances, bringing a baby into the family can change dynamics in relationships, specifically between the person having the baby and their mother-in-law.

Another person I know had an amicable relationship with her mother-in-law before she had a child; however, after her son was born, she noticed her mother-in-law exhibit manipulative behaviors in order to still feel like she had power in their family. 

And in some cases, there can be a fear of letting a toxic person into your life when you are having a baby, but fear what the repercussions could be if you did not let them back in.

A third person I know did not want to tell a family member about her pregnancy, but feared the wrath she would receive from them if she did not, personally, tell them.

Boundaries are key with toxic people in our life. 

Saying ‘no’ is a basic human right you have. 

And, I can acknowledge how hard it can be to set boundaries and say ‘no’ when you have previously been conditioned to not to do so with your abuser.

I am sure you have heard the saying, “Blood is thicker than water.”

It is a saying that means our familial relationships should be more important, and stronger, than any other relationships in our lives.

However, this is not the full quote.

The actual proverb is, “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”

Meaning, the relationships that you CHOOSE for yourself can be far more important than the relationships you were born into.

Does that mean that family relationships are not important at all? Absolutely not.

I am sure you can think of a lot of people in your family who you would still choose to have relationships with.

I am also sure you can think of other people in your family who you would not choose to have relationships with, whether it be because you have different values, or because they bring toxicity into your life.

I grew up believing that family is the most important thing.

While I agree that family is important, I also believe that CHOSEN family is vital.

Self-respect is important. So is healing, and feeling safe with others. These things struggle to exist in relationships with abusive family members.

It is important to me - especially today, on International Women’s Day - to model for my daughters how one should, and should not, be treated; and how to set boundaries with those who cause harm. 

I believe that one should not have to subject themselves to toxicity or abuse in the name of ‘family is everything’. 

In cases of abuse - whether it be physical, emotional, or verbal - family is not everything.

You have a right to surround yourself, and your baby, with chosen people, who you feel nothing but safe with and loved by.

Just like your baby, you have a right to feel safe and loved.

Just like your baby, you deserve to feel safe and loved.