Suicide Prevention Day - My Story

Content warning: suicidal thoughts, postpartum depression

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.

Something new parents and their loved ones need to know: after hypertension and hemorrhage, suicide is a leading cause of death for birthing parents in the postpartum period.

According to @2020_mom, death by suicide most often happens between 6-12 months postpartum - right when everyone assumes you should be "back to normal."

This is a photo of me at almost 7 months postpartum.

I was on mental health leave from work. I felt no control over my postpartum anxiety and trauma responses. I was waiting for my medication to start working. I hadn't started trauma therapy yet.

And I was miserable. I remember feeling my worst on this exact day - my thoughts telling me I couldn't live like this if I didn't get better.

I feel lucky my path led me to becoming a mental health therapist. Even on my darkest days, when emotionally I didn't know how I'd go on, I logically knew that medication and trauma therapy (I use EMDR and IFS) would help - and I held onto hope that things would improve after the perinatal period ended.

Many people don't have that knowledge to lean on. There's so much judgment around suicide, and I believe we cannot judge someone for a decision made in a depth of pain we haven't lived.

I can only speak to my story. My pain wouldn't have ended if my life had - it would've passed to my husband, my daughter, everyone I love.

I held onto two things: hope that I'd get better, and grief at the thought of passing my pain to the people I love most. I took it day by day. My medication started working. Trauma therapy changed my life. I now feel better than I ever have.

My life is more beautiful than I could have imagined. The thought that I could have missed this breaks my heart - and fills me with gratitude for my 2019 self, who found the light in the deepest darkness.

If you're having thoughts of suicide, please reach out. You are not alone, and there are people who can and want to help.

Postpartum Support International (PSI) warmline: 1-800-944-4773 (English & Spanish) — or text "HELP" to 1-800-944-4773. PSI is not a crisis line.

If you're in crisis: call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), call 911, or go to your nearest ER.

If you're supporting someone in pregnancy or postpartum, check in - especially on the ones who "seem fine." It could save a life.