Finding Yourself In Postpartum

I am sure you have heard the concept about getting your “body back” after pregnancy. 

As an eating disorder therapist, this concept - which is rooted in societal expectations of what our bodies ‘should’ look like - is infuriating.

At the same time, as a therapist who also specializes in perinatal mental health, I have seen a different perspective of this idea of getting your “body back”.

What I have noticed over the years of working with postpartum people, as well as having personally gone through the transformational process of becoming a parent, is the unexpected loss of *identity* when becoming a parent.

The loss of identity was something I didn’t see coming. I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore. While I felt so much love and joy with my baby, I also was grieving the loss of who I was. 

I have seen this in countless people I have worked with as they have navigated the postpartum phase. If any of this is resonating with you, you are not alone.

I have also seen how the concept of getting your “body back” after pregnancy becomes synonymous with getting *you* back. 

I have seen people diet and exercise, working towards their pre-pregnancy weight, hoping they will find *themselves* when they reach that number.

What people find, all too often, is reaching that number is not the fix to how they are feeling. 

I am sure you can guess why. 

First, because it is *never* about the number on the scale. It is *always* something deeper.

And second, because you aren’t the same person anymore. You have gone through the labyrinth of pregnancy and birth, coming out into the maze of parenthood completely anew. 

Which can feel so exciting, and scary. Focusing on weight may feel like a nice distraction, but it won’t be the answer to what you are searching for - which, most likely, is *yourself*.

Ways to Cope When You Feel Lost in Your Postpartum Identity

1. Name What’s Happening

Sometimes the biggest relief comes from realizing you’re not “broken.” Identity shifts after becoming a parent are normal. Simply saying to yourself, “I’m grieving my old self while getting to know this new version of me” can be grounding.

2. Find “Glimmers” of the Old You

Instead of trying to “get your old self back,” look for small threads that still feel like you:

• Listening to a favorite song from before parenthood

• Calling an old friend

• Wearing a piece of clothing that makes you feel connected to your identity

  These glimmers remind you that while some parts of you have changed, others remain.

3. Create Space for the New You

It’s okay to mourn who you were and be curious about who you’re becoming. Journaling prompts like:

• “Before becoming a parent, I loved ___”

• “Now, I notice I’m drawn to ___”

  This helps integrate your old and new identities without forcing a “return” to the past.

4. Pause the Body Fixation Spiral

When the urge to “get your body back” hits, gently ask yourself:

• “What am I really craving right now?”

• “What feeling am I hoping weight loss will give me?”

  Often, the answer isn’t about size at all — it’s about belonging, freedom, confidence, or control.

5. Build Your Village

Talking openly with people who get it can be transformative — whether it’s friends, a support group, or a therapist trained in perinatal mental health. You don’t have to figure this out alone.

6. Practice Compassion Over Comparison

Remind yourself: the person you were before parenthood didn’t know this version of love, exhaustion, resilience, or growth. Your body and identity have carried you here. That deserves tenderness, not punishment.